[Mr legendary] : 84.7% epic (or legendary)*1

Introduction: I wrote this piece of garbage some time last year, today I finally got around to actually finishing writing it, lets make this clear i'm only posting this because you (yes you alex) wants me to post something, so here it is! It's kind of loosely associated with that other piece of garbage I wrote (beaverman). Also worth noting, I have half written something else recently which is almost certainly funnier than this, so expect that this time next year.


Present day, downtown Los Angeles...

Inside the highly reputable Loans and Stuff™

Jack: Hi I’m Jack "Loans-more" welcome to loans and stuff how may I help?

Man: Yeah hi I need a loan of $10,000

Jack: Name?

Man: Santa Claus

Jack: Say again?

Santa: You know...Father Christmas! Saint Nick, the fat guy with the beard who eats all the cookies and probably spends too much time in the company of short people and reindeer

Jack: That's generic, anyway what is the purpose of the loan?

Santa: There are reindeer to feed, elves to pay and presents to forge in the fires of Mount Santa Claus...

Jack: Well I’m sorry big guy, our records show you’re already in debt, you’d be lucky to get a loan of $9000. It’s over Santa, and if I may be brutally honest it’s about time, you have cost billions of parents including me and Mrs Loans-more so much money and grief that now it’s our turn for payback...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night bwahahaha!

Santa: Nooooo! What about my kids/elves, they are my life!

Santa gets up and leaves, a broken man. Soon to fade into legend, legend into myth, and myth into fable...sharing the same oblivion as such pioneers of our time as The Easter Bunny and The Loch Ness Monster, and Ruomlig Online*2.

Moments later...

Jack: Hi I’m Jack "Loans-more" welcome to loans and stuff how may I help?

Man [Yes kids it’s the new generic/formulaic name for people whose name you don’t know yet: Hi, I’m looking for a $40,000 loan

Jack: Yeah and I’m looking for a cheap hooker that doesn’t have more than 2 STD’s but what are you going to do? Ha, ha, I’m just fucking with you, what’s your name?

Man: Mr Legendary

Jack: What are you a Marvel character? Real name please?

Mr Legendary: Fine, it’s Mr Lee Gendary

Jack: Okay Mr Gendary, tell me a little bit about yourself

Mr Legendary: Well,

Kenny: Err hi Mr Jack, can I ask you something?

Jack: Not now Kenny can’t you see I’m busy?

Kenny: It’s just, I wonder if I could have an advance on this months pay?

Jack: Look Kenny, they don’t call you Kenny "loans-less" for nothing you know, to be frank we are going to have to let you go, clear your desk at the end of the day it’s over Kenny...over! Over...over!

kenny: It's what?

Jack: Over!

Kenny: But I have a wife and child to support, this job was everything to me! Santa Claus was right, you’re the Grinch, and you’re trying to steal Christmas!

Jack: Well actions have consequences, you should have thought about that Kenneth

Kenny goes back to his menial chores

Jack: Continue Mr L

Mr Legendary: Well, what’s there to tell? I was just your average, pathetic scum of the Earth human being until one day I "for funnies" rigged up our microwave at home so that it would turn on even with the door open, lets just say that I suffered severe radiation

Jack: yes, continue...very interesting

Jack continues not listening playing pinball: adventures in space on his pc

Mr Legendary: Well, first it was our cat Miss Kitty she began some insane transformation, from every day cat to...well, super-pussy, later that week she was given the lifetime achievement award for bravery for saving some hostages in a third world country, then I began to undergo changes

Jack: Puberty?

Mr Legendary: No, I became stronger, I felt more alive than ever before. Also I had the power to cook microwave meals with only my eyes! Wait, are you even listening?

Jack: So Puberty? I mean...Yeah, yeah, microwave meals and pinball...I mean...

Mr Legendary: Anyway, my father couldn’t accept me anymore, he said I was an outcast, a mutant, a freak monster, a non-normal, a...a...he said I was worse than Miss Kitty *cries* Anyway he saw an advertisement in the local paper for Alfonso’s School of Superheroes and Mutant Freak-monsters, I assumed he sent me there for the latter but, I proved him wrong, I proved them all wrong!

Jack: Okay, I’ll just tick this box that says you’re mentally sound

Doesn’t tick box

Mr Legendary: My agenda is to fight evil, starting with Mr Impossible a first class graduate of Alfonso’s School of Meglomania

/Flashback/London/

Mr Impossible: and thus, with my evil quantum deconstructor I will rip your London Eye from the ground, your so called Big Ben too and then every other national monument of any significance...yeah so i'm leaving Stonehenge where it is bwahahaha!

Tony Blair: That's impossible!

Mr Impossible: No, that's Mr impossible to you sir! Die!!

/End of flashback

Jack: So how would you pay back the loan?

Mr Impossible: By charging people for my services obviously, and subsquently selling the rights to TV networks and merchandising companies

Jack: Sounds legendary!

A crash is heard outside, the building fills with reams of smoke

Jack: God, what's going on?! What's happening? Is that a red nose I can see in the smoke!?

People dressed as clowns storm the bank

Kenny: My god it’s like something Steven king would write

Generic Clown goon#1: "Here’s Johnny!"

Generic Clown goon#2: This may look like a childrens birthday party but it is infact a hold up, now give me the money punk!

Jack: Do I look like a punk

Generic Clown goon#2: Fine give me the money smartly dressed loan shark guy

Kenny: Well I will be off anyway, with my redundancy package I will have plenty for my wife and kids so we can have our first proper holiday together, and maybe start a new life...a new begining it’s like a dream come true

Kenny gets gunned down by the insane clown

Kenny: Life...flashing before eyes, never going to see wife and child again, I can see a light...I think it’s God oh my god no it’s the devil himself aaaargh burning in hell...

Mr Legendary: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Now it’s personal, and with a vengeance!

Jack: I’m not saying it

Mr Legendary: Oh go on

Jack: Fine, "Those bastards"

Trey Parker: Lawsuit!

Generic Clown goon#2: Well, at least he went to a better place. Now open the safe!

Mr Legendary runs off while the clowns are distracted with the safe being opened

Generic clown goon#3: Aww can’t we make little poodle puppies out of balloons for the kids?

Generic clown goon#2: No, no poodle puppies till the job is finished Justin!

Carl [or man who is basically asking to be shot]: Justin, so now we know your name, the police will be on your ass so fast you will wish you were wearing two pairs of jeans!

Generic clown goon#2: He knows too much, kill him generic clown goon #3

Generic clown goon [#3 goes to fire pistol but it fires water instead of live ammunition]: Oh right, we were supposed to bring the actual guns!

Generic clown goon#2: Yes I said we will need guns, lots of guns...then you ran off saying you wanted to re-watch The Matrix or something...anyway we will deal with him and the others when we have our clown hands on the money

Mr Legendary [now wearing a costume he has cobbled together from things he found lying around]: Nobody will be dealing with anybody!

Jack: Gasp! Is that a dress you’re wearing? You didn’t state you wore dresses in your loan application, this changes everything!

Mr Legendary: it’s more of a cape, but whatever, anyway clowns put down your weapons this is the end of the road for you, you are no match for Mr Legendary

Generic clown goon#1: He’s bluffing! Don’t do anything!

KAPOW! PUNCH! GENERIC SLAPPING NOISES! CABLAMO BLAST!

Generic clown goon#1: I fail to see how those noises will stop us

However then Mr Legendary uses his superior strength and speed to overcome the clowns thus saving the day

Later On...

Jack: Well despite you foiling the clowns robbery we have still had nearly $40,000 stolen from us*3. So i'm afraid I can't offer you the loan

Bloke: Hello, I saw your little confrontation earlier and i'm aware of your situation I want to offer you a 3 year deal for a new reality TV series...picture this Mr Legendary: The legendary adventures

Mr Legendary: I'm not so sure

Bloke: $75,000 a year plus royalties

Mr Legendary: $85,000

Bloke: Deal

At Alfonzo's School of Meglomania

Edward: Hello, I am your teacher Mr Sadler I am here to teach you the art of meglomania. There are many forms of basic meglomanity, laughter for example, repeat after me: bwahahahahahaha!!

Children: bwahahaa

Edward: Not bad, but more ahaha's and maybe an ! or two

Elsewhere...
Back At Legendary HQ

Auditions for sidekick for Mr Legendary...

Mr Legendary: Next

Robin: Hi!

Mr Legendary: What are you wearing? red rights? next! too camp!

Super Bon: Hi! I'm super Bon

Mr Legendary: What exactly makes you super?

Super Bon: the ability to manipulate html and x-html!

Mr Legendary: Next!

Jesus: I am here, call off the search

Mr legendary: Special powers?

Jesus: Well, I can walk on water!

Mr Legendary: What are you, an attraction at Sea World?

Jesus: No the son of Christ!

Mr Legendary: Meh, next

Mr Epic: Hi i'm Edward Pick, my superhero name is Mr Epic!

Mr Legendary: So your super hero name is derived from your actual name? Un-orginal, next!

Santa Claus: Seasons Greetings!

Mr Legendary: Nice costume, the beard is a little much...but okay, your hired!

Santa Claus: How much do you pay?

Mr Legendary: Minimum wage, obviously

Santa Claus: Christmas is saved!

Kid with dirty face and tatty clothes holding a lump of charcoal in his hands: Yay!

The Grinch: Noooooooooooooooooo!

The End. By Justin Shough.

*1Bon called the idea for Mr Legendary 84.7% epic, i'm stating it here so you "get that joke"

*2This reference to Ruomlig Online was written before the site was brought back, thus still making sense

*3Kenny: Bwahahahaha! I didn't really die, it was one huge cover up, what's that smoking man? The aliens are here? bwahahahaha! I'm so glad I stole the money off them, see you in hell!