I know you, your that guy...from that thing!

Watching 24 is great for two reasons, one the actual show. But two, for spotting what things the actors that are currently in it have been in before. Currently my list for day five goes like this;

Samwise Gamgee(LOTR)
Pheebs bf from an episode of Friends
Guy that was in an episode of the X-Files (Fire)

-Okay so i'm sure there was more than that when I started the list, but please...add your own!

[Mr legendary] : 84.7% epic (or legendary)*1

Introduction: I wrote this piece of garbage some time last year, today I finally got around to actually finishing writing it, lets make this clear i'm only posting this because you (yes you alex) wants me to post something, so here it is! It's kind of loosely associated with that other piece of garbage I wrote (beaverman). Also worth noting, I have half written something else recently which is almost certainly funnier than this, so expect that this time next year.


Present day, downtown Los Angeles...

Inside the highly reputable Loans and Stuff™

Jack: Hi I’m Jack "Loans-more" welcome to loans and stuff how may I help?

Man: Yeah hi I need a loan of $10,000

Jack: Name?

Man: Santa Claus

Jack: Say again?

Santa: You know...Father Christmas! Saint Nick, the fat guy with the beard who eats all the cookies and probably spends too much time in the company of short people and reindeer

Jack: That's generic, anyway what is the purpose of the loan?

Santa: There are reindeer to feed, elves to pay and presents to forge in the fires of Mount Santa Claus...

Jack: Well I’m sorry big guy, our records show you’re already in debt, you’d be lucky to get a loan of $9000. It’s over Santa, and if I may be brutally honest it’s about time, you have cost billions of parents including me and Mrs Loans-more so much money and grief that now it’s our turn for payback...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night bwahahaha!

Santa: Nooooo! What about my kids/elves, they are my life!

Santa gets up and leaves, a broken man. Soon to fade into legend, legend into myth, and myth into fable...sharing the same oblivion as such pioneers of our time as The Easter Bunny and The Loch Ness Monster, and Ruomlig Online*2.

Moments later...

Jack: Hi I’m Jack "Loans-more" welcome to loans and stuff how may I help?

Man [Yes kids it’s the new generic/formulaic name for people whose name you don’t know yet: Hi, I’m looking for a $40,000 loan

Jack: Yeah and I’m looking for a cheap hooker that doesn’t have more than 2 STD’s but what are you going to do? Ha, ha, I’m just fucking with you, what’s your name?

Man: Mr Legendary

Jack: What are you a Marvel character? Real name please?

Mr Legendary: Fine, it’s Mr Lee Gendary

Jack: Okay Mr Gendary, tell me a little bit about yourself

Mr Legendary: Well,

Kenny: Err hi Mr Jack, can I ask you something?

Jack: Not now Kenny can’t you see I’m busy?

Kenny: It’s just, I wonder if I could have an advance on this months pay?

Jack: Look Kenny, they don’t call you Kenny "loans-less" for nothing you know, to be frank we are going to have to let you go, clear your desk at the end of the day it’s over Kenny...over! Over...over!

kenny: It's what?

Jack: Over!

Kenny: But I have a wife and child to support, this job was everything to me! Santa Claus was right, you’re the Grinch, and you’re trying to steal Christmas!

Jack: Well actions have consequences, you should have thought about that Kenneth

Kenny goes back to his menial chores

Jack: Continue Mr L

Mr Legendary: Well, what’s there to tell? I was just your average, pathetic scum of the Earth human being until one day I "for funnies" rigged up our microwave at home so that it would turn on even with the door open, lets just say that I suffered severe radiation

Jack: yes, continue...very interesting

Jack continues not listening playing pinball: adventures in space on his pc

Mr Legendary: Well, first it was our cat Miss Kitty she began some insane transformation, from every day cat to...well, super-pussy, later that week she was given the lifetime achievement award for bravery for saving some hostages in a third world country, then I began to undergo changes

Jack: Puberty?

Mr Legendary: No, I became stronger, I felt more alive than ever before. Also I had the power to cook microwave meals with only my eyes! Wait, are you even listening?

Jack: So Puberty? I mean...Yeah, yeah, microwave meals and pinball...I mean...

Mr Legendary: Anyway, my father couldn’t accept me anymore, he said I was an outcast, a mutant, a freak monster, a non-normal, a...a...he said I was worse than Miss Kitty *cries* Anyway he saw an advertisement in the local paper for Alfonso’s School of Superheroes and Mutant Freak-monsters, I assumed he sent me there for the latter but, I proved him wrong, I proved them all wrong!

Jack: Okay, I’ll just tick this box that says you’re mentally sound

Doesn’t tick box

Mr Legendary: My agenda is to fight evil, starting with Mr Impossible a first class graduate of Alfonso’s School of Meglomania

/Flashback/London/

Mr Impossible: and thus, with my evil quantum deconstructor I will rip your London Eye from the ground, your so called Big Ben too and then every other national monument of any significance...yeah so i'm leaving Stonehenge where it is bwahahaha!

Tony Blair: That's impossible!

Mr Impossible: No, that's Mr impossible to you sir! Die!!

/End of flashback

Jack: So how would you pay back the loan?

Mr Impossible: By charging people for my services obviously, and subsquently selling the rights to TV networks and merchandising companies

Jack: Sounds legendary!

A crash is heard outside, the building fills with reams of smoke

Jack: God, what's going on?! What's happening? Is that a red nose I can see in the smoke!?

People dressed as clowns storm the bank

Kenny: My god it’s like something Steven king would write

Generic Clown goon#1: "Here’s Johnny!"

Generic Clown goon#2: This may look like a childrens birthday party but it is infact a hold up, now give me the money punk!

Jack: Do I look like a punk

Generic Clown goon#2: Fine give me the money smartly dressed loan shark guy

Kenny: Well I will be off anyway, with my redundancy package I will have plenty for my wife and kids so we can have our first proper holiday together, and maybe start a new life...a new begining it’s like a dream come true

Kenny gets gunned down by the insane clown

Kenny: Life...flashing before eyes, never going to see wife and child again, I can see a light...I think it’s God oh my god no it’s the devil himself aaaargh burning in hell...

Mr Legendary: Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Now it’s personal, and with a vengeance!

Jack: I’m not saying it

Mr Legendary: Oh go on

Jack: Fine, "Those bastards"

Trey Parker: Lawsuit!

Generic Clown goon#2: Well, at least he went to a better place. Now open the safe!

Mr Legendary runs off while the clowns are distracted with the safe being opened

Generic clown goon#3: Aww can’t we make little poodle puppies out of balloons for the kids?

Generic clown goon#2: No, no poodle puppies till the job is finished Justin!

Carl [or man who is basically asking to be shot]: Justin, so now we know your name, the police will be on your ass so fast you will wish you were wearing two pairs of jeans!

Generic clown goon#2: He knows too much, kill him generic clown goon #3

Generic clown goon [#3 goes to fire pistol but it fires water instead of live ammunition]: Oh right, we were supposed to bring the actual guns!

Generic clown goon#2: Yes I said we will need guns, lots of guns...then you ran off saying you wanted to re-watch The Matrix or something...anyway we will deal with him and the others when we have our clown hands on the money

Mr Legendary [now wearing a costume he has cobbled together from things he found lying around]: Nobody will be dealing with anybody!

Jack: Gasp! Is that a dress you’re wearing? You didn’t state you wore dresses in your loan application, this changes everything!

Mr Legendary: it’s more of a cape, but whatever, anyway clowns put down your weapons this is the end of the road for you, you are no match for Mr Legendary

Generic clown goon#1: He’s bluffing! Don’t do anything!

KAPOW! PUNCH! GENERIC SLAPPING NOISES! CABLAMO BLAST!

Generic clown goon#1: I fail to see how those noises will stop us

However then Mr Legendary uses his superior strength and speed to overcome the clowns thus saving the day

Later On...

Jack: Well despite you foiling the clowns robbery we have still had nearly $40,000 stolen from us*3. So i'm afraid I can't offer you the loan

Bloke: Hello, I saw your little confrontation earlier and i'm aware of your situation I want to offer you a 3 year deal for a new reality TV series...picture this Mr Legendary: The legendary adventures

Mr Legendary: I'm not so sure

Bloke: $75,000 a year plus royalties

Mr Legendary: $85,000

Bloke: Deal

At Alfonzo's School of Meglomania

Edward: Hello, I am your teacher Mr Sadler I am here to teach you the art of meglomania. There are many forms of basic meglomanity, laughter for example, repeat after me: bwahahahahahaha!!

Children: bwahahaa

Edward: Not bad, but more ahaha's and maybe an ! or two

Elsewhere...
Back At Legendary HQ

Auditions for sidekick for Mr Legendary...

Mr Legendary: Next

Robin: Hi!

Mr Legendary: What are you wearing? red rights? next! too camp!

Super Bon: Hi! I'm super Bon

Mr Legendary: What exactly makes you super?

Super Bon: the ability to manipulate html and x-html!

Mr Legendary: Next!

Jesus: I am here, call off the search

Mr legendary: Special powers?

Jesus: Well, I can walk on water!

Mr Legendary: What are you, an attraction at Sea World?

Jesus: No the son of Christ!

Mr Legendary: Meh, next

Mr Epic: Hi i'm Edward Pick, my superhero name is Mr Epic!

Mr Legendary: So your super hero name is derived from your actual name? Un-orginal, next!

Santa Claus: Seasons Greetings!

Mr Legendary: Nice costume, the beard is a little much...but okay, your hired!

Santa Claus: How much do you pay?

Mr Legendary: Minimum wage, obviously

Santa Claus: Christmas is saved!

Kid with dirty face and tatty clothes holding a lump of charcoal in his hands: Yay!

The Grinch: Noooooooooooooooooo!

The End. By Justin Shough.

*1Bon called the idea for Mr Legendary 84.7% epic, i'm stating it here so you "get that joke"

*2This reference to Ruomlig Online was written before the site was brought back, thus still making sense

*3Kenny: Bwahahahaha! I didn't really die, it was one huge cover up, what's that smoking man? The aliens are here? bwahahahaha! I'm so glad I stole the money off them, see you in hell!

Some Sort Of A Blog©

100% post free!

Kiefer Sutherland Would Be "Happy to die"

Kiefer Sutherland insists his character Jack Bauer in TV thriller 24 should die if the show is to have a good ending. The Hollywood star, who has enjoyed huge success in the series since its launch in 2001, claims he would be willing to kill the character off at a crucial moment, if it is in the best interests of the show. He says, "I'll be happy to die. In fact, it's important to the show that Jack eventually dies. "And that he does so when you least expect it. "I've always said that if there comes a point in the show where to kill Jack is what serves the show best, then so be it, and I think every actor who has been in the show feels the same way about their role." This comes after they killed two main characters (shock!) in the opening hour of the insanely epic new series.

From One Of The Two Writers Of SSOAB

So, no doubt you have seen a trailer for Date Movie. The Plot? There is one honest, It's a spoof of romantic comedies which focuses on a man (Adam Campbell), his crush (Alyson Hannigan), his parents (Jennifer Coolidge, Fred Willard..yeah who?), and her father (Eddie Griffin).It's selling point is that it's from two of the six writers of Scary Movie. Wow, at least they know how to humour themselves, if not us. Someone on IMDB commented "If you loved Scary Movie 3 you will love this" So there you have it, legendary.

Copy&Paste, But Wait...Come Back

An Alternative source (i.e. not me) can confirm recent rumblings that Apple is nearing completion of a completely revamped video iPod that will shed the ubiquitous mechanical click wheel for a touch screen and will sport a 3.5-inch diagonal display, after consulting the forums this is what you, the general public had to say;

If it has a touch screen click wheel, wouldn't you always be smudging up your screen? Maybe it comes with a pair of white gloves.

An ipod video with touchscreen interface would be a waste of the technology. now, revive the newton and you've got something. i've still got my old "carpenter-pencil" stylus from the newton 100.

Why not put the click wheel on the back and a few buttons on the front?

It better be 80+ gb!!!!!

What do you think?

The Shins Are My Haywood

Oh. Your God.

Ok, the story goes like this:

• October 2001 Zach Braff does the whole Scrubs thing
  
• 2004, Zach Braff does the whole Garden State thing, thus introducing the world (or the few hundred thousand intelligent people who actually went to see his very good film) to his taste in music, enter The Shins (who had actually had a song already in a Scrubs episode thanks to Braff and they appeared on The Scrubs soundtrack)
• I instantly buy Oh inverted World and Chutes Too Narrow and adore both, and make a bold claim that they are better than sex, Coldplay and the Beatles
• Late 2005, I discovered they did a track They'll Soon Discover (for the Spongebob Squarepants epic of a movie) and a cover of a Postal Service song We Will Become Silhouettes, I download both and they are both epic
• Then I wept, I wept because they don't update their website, no new album in site and I come to the assumption I have a better chance of winning the Euro Millions draw than seeing them live
• So, fuck. When I came online two days ago and discovered The Shins have four tour dates in this country this May my head almost exploded. Does this mean The Shins have a new album out? Have their forsaken their homeland to come to our great Nation? Will anybody come to see them with me? So many questions, so few answers. But The Shins are back
  

Some Sort Of A Comedy©

Isn't it everybodies dream to write a comedy, sketch show or sitcom that is adored by the masses? Comedy shows to note (and by that I mean these are the only ones I can currently think of) of the past few years being; Little Britain, Peep Show, The Mighty Boosh, Spaced. So, Alex wants to write one and "get rich and famous" and "never have to work again, bwahahahaha" Okay, excellent. But we need YOUR help, please. Currently the ideas going around are:

A comedy set in a supermarket-hmmm sounds somehow familiar
A comedy set in space, probably called Beaverprise-hmmm sounds somehow also familiar
A comedy about two people trying to write a comedy-hmmm seems somehow familar to this current situation
and finally, a comedy about somebody trying to convince people that he is famous-Hmm sounds crap, and probably wouldn't work. So feel free to give us all your original ideas, and when we are rich and famous we will mention you on some chat show or something, not Parky though because he will probably be dead by then.

BBFC Rating: 12A

I'm shocked, shocked and appauled. Actually no, i'm shocked and delighted that you posted that picture, I wanted to...so very much, but the censors got to me first, they said they would kidnap my daughter Kim and give her to the terrorists if I didn't comply. Wait, what am I saying? Nudity= Good, 24= Back Tonight

Nudity!!

So this is the picture mentioned below, which having been included would have made the below post legendary, but instead that honour must fall to this post. I bet you were more excited about the "nudity" before you saw the picture (but it's still legendary!). And yes, that is me sniffing Keira Knightley's hair!

Safe Text

Britons texting St Valentine's Day love messages next Tuesday should be careful they don't send them to the wrong person. A poll of 3,000 mobile phone users that found 40 percent will be texting rather than sending cards and that one in four have misdirected a provocative text or photo. Recipients of the unwanted texts include bosses or colleagues (9 percent) parents (3 percent) and perhaps most embarrassing of all -- ex-partners (2 percent). The study for student phone service dot mobile revealed eight in ten 18-25 year olds have sent a flirty text message within the last year, with a third indulging in "text sex". The survey found 60 percent of respondents had sent a flirty text to someone other than their regular partner although not without consequences for many of them. Of those who admitted cheating, 65 percent had been caught out by their mobile, with a third saying their partner had read incriminating text messages. With loved-up texters getting ready for the big day, dot mobile has come up with a few tips:

• Keep flirty messages short.
• Observe the two-day rule: get in touch after meeting someone within two days, no longer.
• Do not drink and text.
• Avoid over-use of emoticons and jargon.
• "Xs" at the end of messages should not exceed three.
• Be careful about picture messaging which others may get their hands on.
• Adhere to the two text rule; Admit defeat if you have not received a reply after 12 hours and two texts.

Wiki On Wiki

Wikipedia (pronounced /ˌwikiˈpiːdi.ə/ or /ˌwɪki-/) is a multilingual Web-based free-content encyclopedia. Wikipedia is written collaboratively by volunteers through a wiki interface, allowing most articles to be changed by anyone with access to a web browser. Editors are encouraged to uphold a policy of "neutral point of view" under which notable perspectives are summarized without an attempt to determine an objective truth.
The project began on January 15, 2001, as a complement to the expert-written Nupedia and is now operated by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Wikipedia has more than 3,380,000 articles, including more than 964,000 in the English-language version, and as of February 2006 it has more than 910,000 registered users. Since its inception, Wikipedia has steadily risen in popularity,[1] and its success has spawned several sister projects. There has, however, been controversy over its reliability.
Wikipedia is regularly cited in the mass media and academia, sometimes critically, and sometimes to praise it for its free distribution, constant editing, and diverse coverage, not to mention its multilingual dimensions. It is often cited not as a subject but as a source on other subjects. Wikipedia's status as a reference work has been controversial since its open nature allows vandalism, inaccuracy, inconsistency, uneven quality, and unsubstantiated opinions. It has also been criticised for systemic bias, preference of consensus or popularity to credentials, and a lack of accountability and authority when compared with traditional encyclopedias.
There are over 200 language editions of Wikipedia, around 100 of which are active. Thirteen editions have more than 50,000 articles each: English, German, French, Japanese, Polish, Italian, Swedish, Dutch, Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Norwegian. Its German-language edition has been distributed on DVD-ROM, and there are proposals for an English DVD/paper edition. Many of its other editions are mirrored or have been forked by websites.

Pride And Nakedness

Rising film stars Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley, better known for their work with their clothes on, have bared all for Vanity Fair. "Lost in Translation" actress Johansson, 21, and Knightley, 20, who is Oscar-nominated for her role in "Pride and Prejudice" stripped naked for the cover photo of the magazine's annual Hollywood issue. Fashion designer Tom Ford, guest artistic director for the Hollywood portfolio which hits news-stands on Wednesday, said the pair had few qualms about the shoot.
"We didn't have to convince them. And you know, in today's world everything is vetted through a publicist, so they all knew right before they got to the set," Ford told ABC's "Good Morning America" on Tuesday. But Ford said Rachel McAdams, who starred in "The Notebook" and appeared in "Mean Girls", got cold feet at the last minute. "She did want to do it, and then when she was on set, I think she felt uncomfortable, and I didn't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable," he said. Angelina Jolie also posed naked -- in a bathtub -- for the special, which includes shots of a fully clothed George Clooney and a galaxy of other stars.

The Future's Orange

The BBC has struck a deal with mobile phone company Orange to offer clips and ringtones from shows such as "The Office," "Little Britain" and "Doctor Who."
Under terms of the deal between France Telecom's Orange unit and BBC Worldwide, the broadcaster's commercial arm, users will be able to purchase ringtones, photos or videos from Thursday. There has been a surge of similar deals in the last year as mobile phone companies try to build traffic on their expensive 3G networks and content providers like the BBC try to branch out from TV onto new media platforms such as mobile phones and the Internet. Other recent deals include BSkyB's agreement to offer content on Vodafone's network, soon to be expanded to other mobile networks. "More and more, BBC Worldwide is looking to move towards non-traditional broadcasting vehicles, and this partnership with Orange is a testimony to that," said Jason Blain, BBC Worldwide director of business development. Customers subscribing to Orange's "Orange World" service will pay 3.50 pounds for a "realtone" taken from one of the BBC shows, 2.50 for a "wallpaper" image, and 75 pence to a pound for a video clip. Orange also has a deal to offer TV content from Bravo, CNN and several other channels.

The Grudge'inator

Jennifer Beals has come aboard "The Grudge 2," a sequel to the 2004 horror hit.
Amber Tamblyn is starring in the film, which is set to begin shooting next week in Tokyo. Columbia Pictures is eying an October release. Takashi Shimizu directs.
The sequel delves into the secrets behind the grudge's wrath and introduces a seemingly unrelated host of characters who find themselves connected by the curse. Details about Beals' character are being kept under wraps, though it is known she incurs the wrath of the grudge. Arielle Kebbel and Teresa Palmer already have been cast. Sarah Michelle Gellar, the star of the last movie, will appear briefly. I think they should sub title the film: lets get grudgey

The X Files

It had been a long, long time since I had last watched The X Files, now thanks to the wonderful people at Ruomlig Inc and Fox obviously (for releasing the new super cheap dvd sets) I have had the chance to watch it from the very start. What surprised me was how much they set up from the very first episode Pilot, Spooky Mulder's obsession that Aliens exist, directly linked to his siter being abducted, the smoking man and Scully's always grounded highly skeptical science based theory's. I was also surprised by how many episodes I remember watching when they aired on BBC2, Ice and Eve for example, although I had forgotten much of what happened my vague memory recalled the best bits. Anyway I'm rambling and as someone will no doubt point out this post isn't funny, but so what it needed to be said, The X-Files remains one of televisions finest hours.

Some Sort Of A Frog©

360 Day

There are plenty of days that will leave you feeling disappointed in the year;

Christmas Day - A Lump of coal
Boxing Day - What the fuck is the point?
Birthday - Presents you don't want
Easter - Eating so much chocolate you either come out in spots or your stomach explodes.

But no day can match the disappointment of the 14th of February, Valentines day. It's not even a public holiday, you will only end up spending money and if you don't have a significant other you are totally and completely screwed. I'm actually fearful of seeing Cupid, because I think if he fires an arrow at me it's going to get stuck in my windpipe and suffocate me MURDERING BASTARD!! Anyway here's a plea to all the current singleton's lets make it the best Valentines ever and do something really wild like swim the channel, or go on a killing rampage targeting only happy couples. Fine, I'll just stay in and play on my xbox 360.

Evil Or Hilarious, You Decide

Wouldn't it be great to start some kind of evil rumour on the net about someone we don't really know and don't really like. Wouldn't it be totally satisfying to destroy that persons life or at the very least taint it slightly and let them incur some kind of mockery. I'm thinking ANNA MARIE REDUX, something on the scale of the Blair Witch Project.

Well Somebody Had To Post Something!

Justin your birthday present is now avaliable for collection from your chosen Ruomlig Outlet/my house. We apologise for any delay that may have occurred in shipping this product to you. Please write all angry correspondance to Amazon.co.uk.